to seek his face

With all the questioning, I realize there are some things that remain true- that there are absolutes - or One absolute Truth - a creator, sustainor, judge, savior, lover, father, God. And without this rock "that is higher than I" as David wrote in pslam 61, the questions would really prove meaningless. Yes, we don't have to always find the answer, but I know there is one who does know the answer, and in that there is hope.
a few weeks after I got back from Egypt I wrote these following thoughts out - trying to wrestle through the meaning Christ gives to our lives.

"Reading about those problems, and the continued crisis in Gaza – I feel a strange connection, yet I feel so distant – I almost want to get back over there – but what would I do? Just to be engaged in the discussion… the hopelessness? I'm sure there is something. As a westerner, an American, a Christian, a woman… the cards seem stacked against me – but I want to serve, to help, to love…
I want to wrestle through the questions, but I don't.
I want to try and help other people understand a glimpse of what I've seen… but I don't.
I'm tired. Tired of … I don't know what. I know it is only the love of Jesus – the radical counter-cultural love of Jesus – that will give any kind of hope or strength to push through. I need to commit to time with him – with seeking him – every day. How can I follow this radical path, if I do not know Him? I'm not sure, and I wonder why I try.
We are nothing, and can get nowhere without his spirit – the Power of God has been placed in us! We have a power greater than the power of this world. And what do we do with this power? We tend to hide it- why? Are we ashamed? The sad, sad, truth of that split between justice seekers, and religion. That is not a work of Christ – that is the genius of satan. He divides – he lies – and he gets us to focus on one side or the other – fighting amongst ourselves – and the house will fall.
So why am I so frustrated? Because I see this divide – I see the lack of understanding on the side of rich, white, suburban Christians – living their "Good" lives, obeying the "law" – no swearing, no lying, no stealing… perhaps legitimately desiring to walk closer with God- who am I to judge?!?! Yet… isn't there something missing? Something along the lines of Jesus' message of living radically? Of loving radically? Of giving everything up to follow him? Seeing the greater pain in the world – and doing something about it.
If we are called to give everything up to follow Christ, what does it meant to be trying to help others gain "things"? to try and help people step up in this capitalist economy… that is no end in itself… it will never bring satisfaction. Perhaps his message will be clearest heard on the streets… but does that mean we don't help them get jobs, and get a house? God can reach the broken, yet he is also the healer. He uses the brokenness, but it is not left broken.
A God of beauty. not of waste
A God of the broken. A God of healing.
A God of the poor. A God of the rich. (?!)
What does wealth mean? Not only money –
A God of Love. A God of Justice.
I'm not sure what it means to hold all of this together… as ONE… but somehow that is God… and so much more.
What does it mean to seek Christ's face?
I want to figure that out. "