to seek his face

With all the questioning, I realize there are some things that remain true- that there are absolutes - or One absolute Truth - a creator, sustainor, judge, savior, lover, father, God. And without this rock "that is higher than I" as David wrote in pslam 61, the questions would really prove meaningless. Yes, we don't have to always find the answer, but I know there is one who does know the answer, and in that there is hope.
a few weeks after I got back from Egypt I wrote these following thoughts out - trying to wrestle through the meaning Christ gives to our lives.

"Reading about those problems, and the continued crisis in Gaza – I feel a strange connection, yet I feel so distant – I almost want to get back over there – but what would I do? Just to be engaged in the discussion… the hopelessness? I'm sure there is something. As a westerner, an American, a Christian, a woman… the cards seem stacked against me – but I want to serve, to help, to love…
I want to wrestle through the questions, but I don't.
I want to try and help other people understand a glimpse of what I've seen… but I don't.
I'm tired. Tired of … I don't know what. I know it is only the love of Jesus – the radical counter-cultural love of Jesus – that will give any kind of hope or strength to push through. I need to commit to time with him – with seeking him – every day. How can I follow this radical path, if I do not know Him? I'm not sure, and I wonder why I try.
We are nothing, and can get nowhere without his spirit – the Power of God has been placed in us! We have a power greater than the power of this world. And what do we do with this power? We tend to hide it- why? Are we ashamed? The sad, sad, truth of that split between justice seekers, and religion. That is not a work of Christ – that is the genius of satan. He divides – he lies – and he gets us to focus on one side or the other – fighting amongst ourselves – and the house will fall.
So why am I so frustrated? Because I see this divide – I see the lack of understanding on the side of rich, white, suburban Christians – living their "Good" lives, obeying the "law" – no swearing, no lying, no stealing… perhaps legitimately desiring to walk closer with God- who am I to judge?!?! Yet… isn't there something missing? Something along the lines of Jesus' message of living radically? Of loving radically? Of giving everything up to follow him? Seeing the greater pain in the world – and doing something about it.
If we are called to give everything up to follow Christ, what does it meant to be trying to help others gain "things"? to try and help people step up in this capitalist economy… that is no end in itself… it will never bring satisfaction. Perhaps his message will be clearest heard on the streets… but does that mean we don't help them get jobs, and get a house? God can reach the broken, yet he is also the healer. He uses the brokenness, but it is not left broken.
A God of beauty. not of waste
A God of the broken. A God of healing.
A God of the poor. A God of the rich. (?!)
What does wealth mean? Not only money –
A God of Love. A God of Justice.
I'm not sure what it means to hold all of this together… as ONE… but somehow that is God… and so much more.
What does it mean to seek Christ's face?
I want to figure that out. "

learning from questioning

I wrote an email to a friend, sharing some of the questions I have been wrestling through this summer, since I've been back, and I figured I would share it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts/reflections/feedback... I heard from a very wise woman, that sometimes we learn from just asking the right questions - we don't always have to find the answers, or at least not right away. it's ok to struggle - it's necessary for our own growth! we can't merely stick to the things we know where to find answers for. so, here goes...

...in regards to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict - as Christians, what should our response be? I wonder, theologically, how does the old covenant verses new covenant work here? Somehow that "holy" land has significance, but not at the cost of justice - right? are God's people, the Israelites, justified in destroying God's children - those who have put their trust in Jesus, and have been following him, down through the generations - living there on the land where He once walked and first taught, and died and rose again?

and the prophesies - What is the biblical response to those - promising Israel's return to the land. When I read them, it sounds much more glorious and righteous ("all nations will rejoice!" * Isaiah 70), then what is currently happening. It seems like people have been taking it into their own hands - interpreting the prophets their way. There seems to be more in the prophets about God's judgment on his people for their unjust and corrupt ways, then praising them for how great they are - It is in spite of their sinfulness, that God will redeem them - a picture of all humanity right? So, why have Christians taken it as our responsibility to be right behind the Jews, supporting them in all they do? Why do people believe it is "un-Christian" to acknowledge to oppression and crimes being committed against the Palestinians - Christians and Muslims both - and to call Israel out on it? Thankfully more and more people seem to be recognizing what is happening. But the bias in the church really does not seem biblical, even more importantly, Christlike. Jesus wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41)- and he died for her, and for all humanity - including the roman oppressors - the scribes and Pharisees - and the Palestinians!

For me, spending so much time with the Arabs, it was easy to sympathize with the Palestinians, and to find myself slipping into their mindset of anger towards their oppressors. But I know this is not Christlike either. As Christians we are called to love our enemies! I think this is the first time I have been hit with how impossible that is to do - and they aren't even doing anything against me personally!! So how do we love, and yet stand up against the injustice? How do we understand both sides, and recognize the humanity of each individual? they all have stories - hopes, fears, dreams - rights and responsibilities, and they are all made in the image of God. And we are called to love.
In Egypt an amazing man, named Bishop Thomas, shared an illustration with us, about being in Christ, and Christ being in us. John 15:5. It is only when we are fully submerged in Christ, that he fills us so completely, that we can keep pouring out love, and we are never empty, for He never runs dry. So, I am trying - it is hard, but I am trying - to understand where the Israelis are coming from - the pain of the holocaust, and not having a land of their own - and knowing that I need to love them, just as much as the Palestinians - for Christ's sake. But in that, I can not just sit back and do nothing about the settlements, and the wall, and Gaza's crisis. I'm not sure what I can do at this point, but pray, and help to spread a bit of understanding about the other "side" of the story.

Another question we wrestled with, is Who is Christ - who is he really - and not with our western cultural additives, and wrappings!? what does Christ look like in a Muslim world? What is Christianity really? When religion becomes more of a box to put people into - and then war against. it becomes "them"- that "other"- we disagree - hate - kill. this is not God. this is not his redemptive reigning of his kingdom...
But then, I have to check myself when I start leaning towards the "all loving" side too far... because God is fully just as well as loving. He is not "tolerant" he is merciful... but there are punishments for what is against him - for sin. I am attempting to understand what God's justice looks like. I love Isaiah - yet it is not easy to face. I don't know the answer, except that it is NOT all relative.
We call for peace but what is peace really? yet another question...

small steps

this summer is looking busy, but somewhat empty at the same time. I want to do something meaningful - I want to help those who are in need, who are suffering and hurting, right around me - next door - down the street - in the city. There is a lot of need, but there are also a lot of opportunities to do something. Will that 'something' be beneficial though? It is worth considering the consequences of well-meant actions. so often they end up causing further harm. why is that? It is worth considering - but it must not cripple, or scare us away from ever doing anything. we cannot just turn the other way ... cross on the other side of the road ... for the sake of cleanliness. of religion. of our own pride.

I want to do something. But am I merely concerned with the doing... and not loving the people themselves? could I be so in love with my own sense of accomplishment, or so relieved that I am "helping" that I forget that I am not just talking with some drunk and high college student on the streets of boston, but I am talking with someone loved so deeply and so completely by the creator of the universe that he died to give this student with red hair and piercings everywhere, LIFE. I am merely a humble, broken, loved vessel... and I'm called to be so filled with the love of Christ, that I can pour out, and never be empty. What does it mean to be in Christ, and he in you? What does it mean to see the world through His eyes? compassion, love, justice, mercy, hope. sometimes it just seems too overwhelming. but then- it starts with each moment. it starts with each day.

This is what we are about: We plant seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.

It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God’s grace to enter and do the rest.

--Archbishop Oscar Romero

reentering this, the us of a

i've been 'home' for over three weeks now - and there is much to process - many questions, thoughts, reflections, and I want to be able to write them out, and hear your thoughts.
thank you for entering this process with me

ma'salaama